Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
