Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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