Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
