Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
