you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
