I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I touched a dick in church today
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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