totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
