Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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