It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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