YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
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I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
