She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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