We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
