why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
