I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
