just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
