are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
