he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
