my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize