hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
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