So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
