he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
