I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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