I hate all girls vehemently.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
