I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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