2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
