I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
