You're my little dorito
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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