i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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