So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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