i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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