How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
did i just pee glitter
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
