he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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