You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
false alarm. still invincible.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need to calm my uterus...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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