I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
