Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
