so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
