Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
