Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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