tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
