Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
