i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
