I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The best revenge is premature balding
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
