nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The air was thick with penises
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
