i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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