Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
