i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
