The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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