Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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