I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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