areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
