There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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