I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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