I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
