If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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