i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
