I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize