Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
