"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
