Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
