Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we're making bets on your personal life
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
