buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
